Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Sofi's "Firsts"-What the Mirror Conceals

Ten years ago, when I was lucky thirteen, my mother gave me the full-length mirror that had always stood at her bedside. She, so icy ravishing then that I sometimes suspected the mirror was her way of telling me I’d never be as beautiful as her. The mirror had been her grandmother’s. My daily ritual was to get out of bed and look at my body in it. Two days before my thirteenth birthday, I got my period and I was having a bit of a "hate myself" thing.

Thirteen is late for girls these days, but it seems absurd to label myself a late bloomer. So I read all the books and tried to talk to my mother, but she always seemed distracted. Daddy, heck, by the time I was twelve; he wouldn’t even look directly at me, unless I was fully dressed. His favorite line to me, was “Are you decent?” Am I? By fourteen, my body had launched into this explosive overdrive and any worry I had about developing was gone.

The mirror. Time was I couldn’t stand my own reflection unless “I was decent.” Then I read some feminist something or other about women not being empowered until they could face their own bodies. That sunk in. So gradually I forced myself to strip, stand and stare. Eventually, I could describe every inch of what I saw in my journal with complete objectivity. If I’m going create film and video images without fear, I figured my own body was as good a place to start as any. Despite some teen squeamishness, I was finally pleased with what I saw in the mirror.

Tall frame. Once gawky, but not anymore. Eyes—piercing blue. Hair – honey blonde. Features, East Slavic which is why I am pale, so pale, especially in winter. Breasts really came in that year. At thirteen, the girls were sad puffy little bumps. In one year they just wow, came into their own. I totally get why boys obsess over them. I confess I just have to touch them whenever I see them. My nipples are perfect pink cones that stand at attention when I do. Between my legs the little velvet patch got thick and coarse, hiding all the secrets underneath. I can’t keep my hands off it either. I hope I don’t go blind. At twenty-three, my breasts are bigger, fuller, there are some nice muscles in the arms and legs and down yonder is as thick as a forest. But really, little else has changed in this reflection since I was fourteen. Well, maybe the face. Faces are like maps. They show the distance you've traveled.

The stereotype of girls like me – blonde, stacked, stupid sluts, etc., so God help you if you have half a brain. We’re supposed to always the popular ones, right? Which is so fucked. Nearly all my life, 90% of the girls I’ve known have treated me terribly which drove me to prefer the company of boys which made the girls even more jealous. In one way, it’s easier to have boys for friends. All you have to worry about is keeping their hands and other body parts off you. With girls, especially pretty and popular ones, it’s war on all fronts. Boys and girls alike, they check out your hair, your clothes, stare at your chest like they’ve never seen tits before and you can just see the moment of shock and disappointment in their eyes when you open your mouth and say something the least bit intelligent. The boys just clam up and get flustered. Girls get fucking medieval on you.

Exhibit 1, I’m fourteen, with these friends Tish and Jenna—never were there two chicks more obsessed with appearance—their own and everybody else’s. Every other day they pressure me to “make a portfolio” and begin modeling. Jenna even flashes some nudes she’d made with this eighteen year old guy and I’m like, "Chick, are you crazy, you know those titty shots are going to end up on the Internet." But they were like oh you’re such a natural beauty, it’s a crime to let it go to waste and they meant it. Literally. Like not flashing tits for cash for some drooly perv was somehow backwards on my part.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m the child of two academics and money was always an issue. But so is exploiting your body for it. There’s a word for it. I’m not totally non-materialistic, but if I’m going to cash in, it’s not going to be (just) because my hair is blonde or my face, tits and ass are cute.

When I confided this to my mother, (in more diplomatic terms mind you) Daddy overheard and I thought he’d choke on his tea. He never said anything, but afterwards, the way he smiled at me, it made me feel good, like, “way to go kid.” Other teenagers put their parents through hell. Mine had enough of their own problems. They didn’t need mine.

The fucking irony is of course that at 23, when I’m stopped on the street, “Anybody ever tell you, you look like Jessica, or Scarlett or Sharon, you could be her sister or are you that Karolina? I swear, you look just like her.” Don’t even get me started on the pickup lines.

Okay, so it doesn’t happen every day, but often enough that I feel for these famous chicks. Sure, they are beautiful and so well paid, but can they step out on a street or be alone with their thoughts or go on a quiet date? Can they sneak a kiss with a boy or even go to the deli for a coffee and bagel without makeup? I’m just anonymous and annoyed while they’re sold goods that everybody feels they own a piece of. What’s left for them?

'Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful.'

What a stupid line! I’d bitchslap any girl myself who said that. Don’t love me because I‘m beautiful. That’s what I say. No amount of money or fame is worth what a woman has to put up with if she’s flying on looks alone.

At fifteen I made another decision that would, as they say, have repercussions. It started innocently enough. It’s not like I totally flamed them, I just gradually stopped hanging with Tish and Jenna. They got boring a long time ago. I was subtle about it, so I thought, but not subtle enough. Two days before junior prom, they showed what truly standup chicks they were by lying their whore asses off to my first steady, Jake Ulitski, telling him that I sucked off George Mackenzie then let him assfuck me.

How I find this out is after Jake practically rapes me in his car. He would’ve if he could’ve. After accusing me of this vile shit, he whips his dick out and demands a blow job. I say fuck no, then he tears two buttons off my best blouse grabbing for my tits. Then he slaps me when I resist, slams me against the door and tries to rip my panties off. Huge mistake. Fuck him! Not. Stupid asshole. Forty eight hours later I was totally planning to give him everything he wanted. After the prom. In a hotel. On his parents’ bed. In the family pool. Whatever. Wherever. So fuck him for believing those scags and their poisonous gossip. Then double fuck him for trying to rape me, even if the story had been true. Which, I reiterate, is not! Except for some kissing and heavy petting, nobody ever got more than a finger down there. A fifteen year old virgin, in this day and age, just imagine Jake, that maybe I’m sorry I broke your nose on your steering wheel, or maybe I’m not.

Mom said weightlifting is unladylike and dangerous for a young girl but all those Nautilus workouts and self-defense classes came in real handy that night. Jake I hope you always remember me, if ever you are inclined to manhandle a woman again. And Jake, I’m especially not sorry I actually did George Mackenzie a few weeks after you and I broke up. Wasn’t all that great. So fast and frantic, it made me wonder what the fuss is all about. I didn't even come. We didn’t even date afterwards, but first is first. Jake baby, you could’ve had the whole package if you’d just been a gentleman. I was so looking forward to it. I promise I would have made it wonderful. But you deserve nothing but contempt from any woman. Warning has been tendered.
So, darling Vi, my sweet Riccardo, my first true true love, if I learned anything, if I could go back in a time machine and change anything, I guess I'd make my first time sweet and romantic, something to remember. Your first time shouldn't be a vengeance fuck. It should be all exquisite touches, soft lighting and sensual music, but it wasn't. Ricc, you already know there were a handful of others before you, but none of them were special either.

That had to wait for you my love. What I've given you is my heart, something no man before you ever had.


  1. Sofi, you are so brave to write this! I cried for hours after I read your post. See, unlike you, I was unable to stop the guy who raped me, my first time. I tried to push him off and kept saying no, no, no, but he was too strong. Plus, we'd been driving these back roads, drinking something he'd spiked with grain alcohol. I must have blacked out toward the end, because I remember it happening, then there's this gap. When I came to, I was on my parents' lawn, bleeding and sick to my stomach.

    So good for you that you broke his nose!!! IMHO, you should have done a lot worse. It's good for a woman to be powerful and in control of her own body and choices. Don't let anybody tell you otherwise.

    If I had a time machine, I'd go back and hurt the bastard in the places he hurt me, before he could ever touch me. That way, I'd be able to look myself in the mirror. I'd be able to love and trust and give myself to a man without this sick nightmare replaying in the back of my head over and over again. It hasn't happened yet. In my darkest hours, I worry that it never never will.

    I never dreamed my life could be this lonely.

    I'm just a couple years younger than you but I DO cling to the hope that I will find what you have with your man and erase the horror of my first time forever. So please, please don't be sad for me because your story has touched the little spark of courage in me to try again. When "it" happens, I will think of you and bless you with a smile in my heart. You inspire me girl and I can't wait to see your next post.

  2. Sofi, I still have so much to learn about you. I've often wondered where your anger at your past comes from and after reading this post, I understand a lot better. I think what all three of our posts show is that the "first time" is seldom the glorious experience depicted in the movies.

    As the brave young woman in the previous comment says, you too are brave and beautiful and nobody can ever take that from you.

    And I'm touched beyond words that I am the first man to whom you've given your heart. I'll try to be worthy of it. I love you with all my heart.


    PS: Cute pic of you. Do you have the original? I'd like to scan it for our private collection.

  3. Sofi carissima, it is so very touching that you are able to open up to us both like this and I know that Riccardo will always cherish being the first man to whom you gave your heart. My heart bleeds for you that your first experience was with a young man as crass, rough and insensitive as Jake.

    It took me a while to talk of my 2 rapes. Why do so many of us women feel so humiliated and unable to speak of it! You are a strong and beautiful woman and never ever let your first torrid experience cloud what we all have together! I have learnt as much from you, Sofi, about love and sensual loveplay as I have from you, Riccardo. Furthermore I never intended to make you think that you were not experienced or mature enough to understand the pain I felt when discovering I was married to a man who preferred BDSM to sensual love-making, leather and chains to female flesh!

    I admire you Sofi in so many ways and wish I had your way of coping with the world. I feel my background has not prepared me for life's challenges in the way I would have preferred. I miss you here in Rome where I must stay for longer than I care to!

    Ti amo molto, Vi

  4. Many people will envy the love and affection, combined with a strong sexual bond, that the 3 of you have! It is rare that such love triangles flow so effortlessly with such trust from all 3 sides, or am I missing something? Please write to me Riccardo, Sofi and Vi as my life needs 3 people like you in it to give me hope for my future and help me get over the sexual traumas I have experienced! Best regards from a new devotee of your blog! ps Where, please, can I read Apostrophe in its entirety?

  5. Not to say you're missing anything RB, but there's nothing effortless about it. We each bring our own strengths and weaknesses to the party, along with jealousies and all the other bullshit that goes into any relationship. Our unique relationship is based on an even more unique "agreement." Perhaps we should post on that topic next. Vi? Sofi?